too gentle to live among wolves

I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us.

We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.

We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well.

Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know – unless it be to share our laughter.

We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide.

Most of all we love and want to be loved.

We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.

For wanderers,

dreamers,

and lovers,

for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful.

It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.

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Breaking cycles

If there’s anything we all need to do it’s to self reflect on our life cycles. Are we ending up in similar relationships time after time and having them all end the same? Are we unhappy with our body and refusing to do anything about it? Are we constantly losing friends for the same reason over and over again?

Cycles are funny things. They have a start, a middle and instead of having an end they have a loop back to the beginning. Without change we cannot have growth. Without courage we cannot have strength. We have all been kicked in the face (figuratively, I hope) by life. And a lot of us tend to get back up and then fall right back into the same patterns that got us kicked in the first place. So I challenge you, and myself to break the cycle.

Find out what’s so alluring about charming, controlling / narcissistic men. Why do you please others without demanding your own pleasure? Why do you succumb to control when you were born to be independent and free? Why do you allow someone to tell you that you can’t post a picture of your beautiful face on social media because of their own insecurities? Why haven’t you confronted your father about not choosing you?

It has taken some digging to find out why I am the way I am. Subconsciously I think I always knew, as most girls with absent fathers do. But we have to choose to believe that it is not a reflection of who we are that we didn’t get chosen. It is not us who is the damaged one, it is them.

We must protect the little girl that was hurt so badly. Look for her in your heart of hearts and wrap her in your arms and tell her that she is worthy of love and worthy of being chosen. Tell her that you will protect her now and she needn’t be afraid anymore.

Tell her that together we are getting stronger and that she can be vulnerable again.

Keep fighting the good fight.

learning to love (myself) again

Reading has saved me more times than I can count. Like an old friend I can always turn to in times of trouble, books have never failed me. Even when I have neglected them, dog-eared their pages and left them outside in the pouring rain .. they always welcome me back with open arms. Books are where I turned when my entire world flipped itself inside out.

if you’re in love,
then you are the lucky ones,
because most of us are bitter over someone.

When everything felt like a painful reminder of a reality I was trying so hard to escape I turned to books to quiet my mind. I scoured the depths of Reddit to find meaning in my suffering. My endless search for “books to read when you feel like you have no idea what the future holds” or “books to help you through loss” .. I avoided the “breakup” term because I wasn’t and still am not sad that the relationship I was in ended. I was relieved but I was angry at myself for staying with a version of someone I made up in my head. A projection, if you will, of a human being I wanted that person to become.. that definitely was not the person I was sharing my life with.  I needed to understand why I so easily accepted a love that was so far from what I wanted. I needed to dig the rot out with my own two hands. So I found some books relating to the subject, I got myself an amazing therapist and I started some self care.

My recommendations to you, dear reader, if you are struggling to cope with life as you know it:

  1. Mans Search for Meaning – Viktor Frankl
  2. Siddhartha – Herman Hesse
  3. Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
  4. I used to be a miserable f*ck – John Kim
  5. The alchemist – Paulo Coehlo

I imagine that as I continue on this journey I’m on that I will add more books but for now this is what I have. The teachings in these have gotten me out of bed each morning and on with my life.

where does the good go?

 

how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?

how often
have you bartered with bone,
only to sell yourself short?

why do you find the unavailable so alluring?

where did it begin?
what went wrong?
and who made you feel so worthless?

if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time,
you were begging for love silently,
thinking they couldn’t hear you,
but they smelt it on you,

you must have known

that they could taste
the desperate on your skin?

and what about the others
that would do anything for you,

why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?

how are you both of these women,
both flighty and needful?

where did you learn this,
to want what does not want you?

where did you learn this,
to leave those that want to stay?

I’ve got a war in my mind

I was always an unusual girl
My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul
No moral compass pointing me due north
No fixed personality
Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean
And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying

Because I was born to be the other woman
Who belonged to no one,
who belonged to everyone
Who had nothing, who wanted everything
With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom

That terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it

And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness
that both dazzled and dizzied me.

I must become the lion hearted girl

I am officially in my 28th year of life and birthdays, for me, have always been a perfect time of reflection. Where am I currently? Am I happy? Do I wake up feeling fulfilled? What am I looking forward to? It can become very stressful to ask yourself these questions but without discomfort there can be no growth.

I set out so many goals for this year that I quickly became overwhelmed. It’s only January and I already feel like I’m falling behind. I sat with myself for a while after and decided that it’s also important to have a goal to live in the moment and goals are just that, goals. They are set to be something to strive for and not a certainty.

I wake up everyday and make my bed. That is enough to be proud of right now. (Thank you Mari Kondo, but I am not throwing out my books)

2019 🥂

Another trip around the sun has come and gone. 2018 had many ups and many downs, but most of all it had a lot of new beginnings. New cities, new friends, new books, new adventures. I’m grateful for the experiences I’ve had and I look forward to an eventful 2019!

New year resolutions

  1. Sew 5 *wearable items of clothing
  2. Learn how to knit and complete a project that isn’t a scarf.
  3. Read 100 books
  4. Open an Etsy shop
  5. Become debt free
  6. Incorporate more exercise into my routine
  7. Less waste, more reusable items.
  8. Become more minimalistic in my spending habits
  9. Make my bed every single day
  10. Learn how to quilt

Fall Essentials

Autumn is my favourite season and October is the greatest month to ever exist.. so I’ve compiled a list of all things fall-ish that help me to enjoy this wonderful season. What would you add to it?

1. Blanket scarves

2. Cute boots

3. Dark lipstick

4. Horror movies

5. Long books

6. Pumpkin spice EVERYTHING

7. The Halloween Town movies

8. Oversized sweaters

9. Red nail polish

10. Pumpkins

The Saturday Night Ghost Club: Review

5/5 ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I LOVED this. I started it yesterday and became totally engrossed in the story that before I knew it, I hadn’t slept after my night shift and it was almost 6 pm.

This story is told from neurosurgeon Jake’s perspective of his twelfth year of life. The year his crazy uncle Calvin started The Saturday Night Ghost Club. Uncle Calvin owns the Occultatorium on Clifton Hill, where he possesses all things strange and macabre. We go back and forth between present day Jake and childhood Jake without missing a beat but with an intense amount of feeling. This book made me laugh out loud and got me close to sobbing at the end. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a horror novel, though there are some horror elements involved. For me, this was more of a coming of age story, with the only horror being the reality of life and death itself.

This book meant a lot to me because of its location. It’s based in Niagara Falls, Canada. A place I grew up near and have frequented often throughout my 27 years. The streets he mentions, the shops he goes in, the Ripleys museum he loves so much – I love those places too. Lundy’s Lane graveyard is a historically beautiful place, one I have visited and where my grandparents are buried. This book is an easy, easy 5 star read, even without the intense nostalgia that I felt throughout. I recommended this to EVERYONE.

October Goddess Provisions Unboxing

A monthly Box that Lights up your Soul * 

Box Highlights

  • 5-7 full size products per box
  • Great value, typically $60-$90 of goddess goodies
  • Free shipping to the U.S.
  • Ships Worldwide
  • $33 per month or as low as $27.75 with 12 month prepay
  • Always cruelty-free & vegan

 

Another month, another Goddess Provisions box. I am so happy to have discovered this subscription box! This is my third month of receiving it and I do not have a single complaint. The box is worth WAY more than you actually pay for it and every single item is hand picked by the creators to provide wellness and sanctity in our every day lives. Octobers theme was “Self Care Rituals” and what a perfect time for a theme like this. Winter is coming and with it comes months of darkness for us Canadians. It’s especially difficult in the months without sunshine to get out of bed and progress through our daily lives. For me especially, as I work 12 hour shifts and most of the time I leave when it’s dark and get off work when it’s dark.. only seeing glimpses of sunshine through the break room window.

Okay, let’s get to what is actually in the box!

  1. Balanced Guru Purify Me Spot Treatment
     https://balancedguru.com/
    – “Treat your face to this soothing serum that’s forumulated with probiotics, active ferments, willow bark, and tea tree oil  to help heal and balance stressed out skin”
  2. Lutska Dawn Roll-On
    – https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/LutskaBotanica
    – “Roll this blend of lavender, spearmint, peppermint, eucalytus, tea tree and geranium on your palms, rub them together and inhale deeply for an uplifting self care morning ritual”
    * THIS SMELLS LIKE HEAVEN.
  3. Soapylayne Sacred Space Spray
    – https://www.etsy.com/shop/SoapyLayne
    – “Sage Hydrosol that’s infused with clear quartz. Use it throughout your home, on your body and over your crystals to cleanse, refresh and protect your energy.”

4. Goddess Provisions Self Care Rituals Oracle Deck
– illustrated by @rainbowforester 

5. Orange Calcite
– “Meditate with this energizing stone to help boost your positivity, feelings of self worth, creativity and to support your physical, mental and spiritual development”

anddddd my personal favourite because I’m tea obsessed..

7. Lee Provisions Pink Chai Tea
– https://leesprovisions.com/
** DELICIOUS

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